The plan began. I wrote to John Bowan telling him I would be happy to have him help but declining his offer of financial assistance. He would have to register as an intern in order to participate.
As an intern he would start with the basics just like everyone else. I would be delighted to help him and possibly be his mentor. He could join the team training along with the next class beginning in two weeks.
The program Bleinkins had developed first course was entitled "To Know You, I must Know Me." In it, I set out the group's basic rules:
*Everything discussed was confidential
*Only ‘I, not we' speak was acceptable
*They were to speak in feeling terms
*They were to ask for help in understanding if
*They were required to use respectful confrontation if disagreements arose.
John Bowan began to speak freely of his desire to help when I gently stopped him. "Perhaps you could tell us how it feels to be a beginner in a room of so many beginners when you have experienced much success by being the expert?" Flustered, John's face began to redden as my reprimand sunk in.
He fidgeted and finally said he would. He was uncomfortable being so far out of his structured comfort zone. John Bowan was from the worst of the human world comprised of black and white, rules, and suspicion of those who did not believe what he believed.
I worked with the eager crowd to help them get in touch with their feelings. Several people began to speak of their fear. One man spoke of his Father's abuse and how as a result he was easily intimidated. He had gone through a stage where he was a bully till he worked out his feelings from the past. John squirmed and turned pale. "Are you alright John?" I asked. He stared at me and nodded. I went over and sat by him. I laid my hand on his arm and his history flooded into my awareness.
I turned back towards the group. "Lets take a break, great work Doug, how are you feeling?" I went over to Doug, who wept, looked at me saying with such relief" I can finally forgive him, oh God, it is such a relief." I hugged him " you did remarkable work just now Doug, remarkable. I am deeply touched." When I turned back around I saw him hurrying otr of the hall.
I sat there digesting the history I had gleaned from my scan of John. He had been kept in a cellar till age 6, starved and abused. At age 6, the local priest found out and called the authorities. He vowed to spend lifetimes working for the church , and he had, but with hate not love. He was spiritually crippled with pain.The fanatical look in his eye was rage contained under a mask of coolness and control. Despite myself, I felt something stir in me. I thought of my Mother in whose eyes everyone deserved understanding and love, and felt a smidgen of compassion and forgiveness in my heart. I needed some distance. I decided that when they resumed class that afternoon that I would lead a group exercise which allowed for less intimacy until I had better knowledge of and control over my feelings.
I sat quietly under the stars. The interaction with John Bowan had led me to a full understanding of what I was being asked to do. I felt the water spirits and heard the song of the wind and knew. The conversation I was having with myself was unrelenting. "No, no, he is an animal!" "He killed my parents." "He can't be a Human, it was centuries ago". At the same time I could hear my Mother"s voice whisper love, compassion, forgiveness." My Father's voice echoed, "Forgiveness isn't of the deed, the deed is wrong but are you in the position to judge the man?" "YES," I screamed to no one. "Who or whatever he is, it is his kind that shamed and then killed you making a mockery of respect and honor." "Darling girl," I heard my mother, "when he dishonored himself, he lost his humanity. Can you send him enough light to challenge him to retrieve it?"
I sat there shivering in the coolness, knowing the wheel was turning to its inevitable outcome. The plan was in motion.
When Amar called to ask me to dinner I declined. Even Amar"s beautiful presence could not assuage me. I sat up all night staring. Early in the morning I went to the trees and performed an ancient ritual of battle. I must win this battle with myself.
Dakeh, back in her true form appeared high in the sky at dawn signaling her blessing and support. An eagle swooped down and landed on a branch staring at me, lending clarity. I rose and walked into town. I knocked on John Bowan's door. When he opened the door, I nervously asked if I could enter.
He appeared nervous and shaken. I looked him in the eyes and said "I am here because I want to tell you that I know what was done all those years ago. I know it all and can see it all. They were my parents that were mocked and killed centuries ago. I know it was lifetimes ago but you know what I am talking about"
John Bowan stared at her "What are you? Are you a witch? he asked? "No," I answered. "I understand if you don't believe me, but I am here to help you. What was done will forever be wrong but I am here to set your pain free."
A rainbow light flooded my full being and with a voice that seemed to come from somewhere beyond" I said "I forgive you John Bowan, i forgive you! Now go find your humanity, I challenge you or you will be haunted by their faces forever. Only finding your own humanity will heal you."
The rainbow light flickered through the room, there were flurries of wind outside, and the trees appeared to be dancing. "John Bowan, I am now free and I have given you the key to be free as well. I have studied hard, sacrificed and have learned to protect myself from the Darkness. There are many more like me. There is nothing you can truly do to me or any of us who have learned to embrace love, compassion and forgiveness."
John Bowan watched as a rainbow swept across the floor hiding the woman who walked out into the world freer than I had been since that day my parents died.
No one ever saw John Bowan again. There were many rumors. He had run off with a woman, he had embezzled money, he was living on an island. No one heard from him and eventually the curiosity subsided.
I walked by the river blessing the water, the trees and the flowers. I thanked all the elements for holding me strong during this trial.
I had believed that there was some magic I had to learn in order to complete the mission I had been given by my Fae parents. But I had learned that in the fight against the Darkness around me, I had to conquer the Darkness within myself. The lightness of being and a deep calmness I newly felt, told me that I had succeeded in this mission.
I sent love to my parents and then turned facing the horizon ready for the next part of my journey. I was no longer haunted but rather comforted as my memories of so much love and joy crept in.
There was an undeniable awakening happening. Stories of faeries were becoming more prevalent and books were being written about my people. There were even people who openly spoke of knowing my realm and the wonders of it. My work was just beginning but now I had evidence it had begun.
As I looked at the horizon Amar strode toward me. Dressed in a simple white shirt and jeans, his beautiful soul was shining through his smile. I ran to him , he held me close in a strong loving embrace. We spoke without words, solidifying our commitment to continue.
There followed a period of joy and connections. Phones, rang, people ran in and out buzzing with plans. The expansion was happening and the complimentary teachings of Awareness and Sustainability were increasing all over the globe.
Now each time Amar took me in his arms, his gentle kiss deepened as he held me. We stayed woven together forming a intertwine of sensation and mutual commitment that lasted for hours. We spoke in murmurs, endlessly, effortlessly. That was all and it was enough.
Amar was to go to Fiji soon and we were not sure how long he would be there. I watched him get in the car, he flashed his brilliant smile, eyes full of love. Then he turned and was whisked down the road.
As I watched him leave, my heart felt so full and tight with longing of a proportion that seemed bigger than only this moment. His intelligence, sensitivity, caring for others created a love in me that may very well doom me to such aloneness, that it would be impossible to bear.
I sang my faery chants of love and protection wrapping myself in the memory of Amar's goodness. This, I realized was yearning, not sadness. It was a gift indeed to feel this for another.
As I walked to the door a bird flew overhead dropping an object in front of her. I bent down and saw _Wren_______the symbol of power of the Faery King. Picking it up I tried to remember what I had learned about this symbol. I took the symbol, looking around, not knowing what it meant. What I did know was that I had to be more powerful in my faith and more strident in my efforts.
I sat cross legged on the floor, candles lit all around me. I placed the symbol of power in the middle of the circle. I called on my beloved ones in the realm to assist me. A fine mist wafted from all four corners of the room clouding everything in sight but the symbol. I breathed deeply asking for a full knowing to come. I sat in an enchanted state for several hours, the mists cleared and I stood.
How I longed to fly, to glide over the rooftops and feel the wind caressing me. I breathed deeply.
"I may not be able to see yet but I must keep sight of the truth," I said to myself. I then nodded, and with resolve in my heart, picked up the symbol and placed it alongside of the ones from my parents and the baby ring.