The years went by. I was a good Human, studied hard, made friends but the differences between human and faery behavior and expectations often were so different it was confusing. I discovered Humans don't always say what they mean or mean what they say. As a faery I tend to tell the truth, some thought that made me rude or brash, it confused me a great deal. They don't see with their hearts, many of them see only with their eyes. It seemed they idolized perfect forms - so they miss the souls that glitter and shine in less than perfect bodies. They seemed unable or unwilling to look beyond or beneath the veneer of beauty.Some even think different shades of color are important, amazing how silly that seems, they should see us!
Sometimes I just stared in complete disbelief at what some of them miss. Some pretend to be your friend and then say bad things about you. They worry a lot about what others will think of them. The High King used to laugh at how wonderfully different all the elementals were and how many dimensions of love we could experience as a result.
I felt sorry for them. They missed so much. I was amazed many couldn't see what was obvious to me. Although I looked like a human on the outside, as time passed much of the beliefs and customs that had laid dormant for so long entered my consciousness and I found myself being drawn to express these in human ways.
For instance, I have always loved to dance, When I was a young fae, I would put my best robes on at dusk in order to sing, dance and play among the stars. Each day I found myself being pulled to do the same. But Humans sleep at these times of day. So instead of going outside to be with nature and the elementals, I twirled around my bedroom , blowing kisses to the moon.Gradually I began to go out and dance for a bit under the night sky, I wrapped it around me like velvet and I felt peace
I guess you could say I did my very best to fit into the human world which was becoming more and more real to me. But as I got older, the spell of forgetfulness began to fade and I got increasing glimpses of my prior life . I still sensed I was different from my human friends. I still knew my "real" parents had died. The pain wasn't as intense but memories became clearer. Lily and Herman were wonderful in every way but between you and me they were a bit dull. They watch scenes on a screen and they don't dance much except at the occasional party. They never have the huge celebrations with drink, song, dancing and kissing that we did. I hope I don't forget how to do those things. I love and see beauty in so many forms. Moonbeams dribbling over water, trees forming sculptures against the sky and whispering the news to each other and so much more. They dress like their friends and tend to stick to same old same old.I never saw them entertain anyone but humans!!!They look pretty much the same, nice but a bit bland. But they are kind and most importantly they love me as if I were their own daughter.
Mom often tells me I am pretty. I am petite, with green eyes and reddish blonde hair.. . My true Mother told me it is only the inside that can determine beauty.She is much of the reason I tried so hard to make Lily and Herman proud of me by getting good grades and being kind to others.I taught them how to talk to animals and our home became a haven for gatherings of creatures, it felt much more normal
My true Mother's heart was filled with compassion for the little ones, the babes who were alone, she made sure they found love, safety and care. Each time she saved one, her skin glowed more beautifully and her eyes sparkled. I knew that this was true Beauty. I understand now why my Father called her beautiful and why he loved her so much.
I have started to remember my life as a faery. Some nights I wake at about 2 and look outside, I wonder where everyone is, do they remember me, will I ever see them again? My heart feels as though it will split open with pain. I am thriving on the outside but inside I feel so lonely at times. Blessedly, as if they know, sometimes when I am really struggling and feeling overwhelmed, the angels come and soothe me back to sleep,. Other times, I see my Fathers face, "you will save our realm, be brave." Then I feel ashamed of myself and remember my purpose.
I am beginning to be part of the human world and to feel like I am. I love my school and my classmates. I get good grades and people seem to like me,. I laugh, I am in the theater, I run track and I feel appreciated. I even have a boyfriend. Paul is tall, has freckles and red hair.He is nice and likes to kiss, it is fun He laughs a lot. He looks like Krien, my fae friend. Krien and I were in the academy together.Krien was a faery I grew up with.We raced and competed with each other in school. He was fierce in his love ,particularly of birds.He was their protector and voice.He bedeviled humans who hunted them.He sang with them.I never admitted it to him but I admired him so. Paul helps me feel less lonely and because he looks like Krien , that feels comforting. I wish I could tell him who I am but the Old Ones foretold of so much betrayal by humans I know I must be cautious.I don't let it get very serious but he likes to dance, which is so nice.
I had a dream last night. My Father was talking to the High King. He was explaining why he chose me. "It isn't power or trickery that will save us my Dear Leader, it is light, love and sparkle. Belinda has more sparkle than any her age. I know it will dim with sadness for a time but it will, when ready, burst forth. People will believe her, they will love her, and her own knowledge of pain will help others get through theirs to a place of acceptance and finally forgiveness. Then, My Most High King, you can return and there will be a 1000 years of grace, magic and love."
In my dream my father continued "It is because she appears to be no threat that she will be powerful. Her heart is filled with love and a knowing of deep sadness for the evil that has transpired. She will overdo with effort but I promise you she will never give up."
It was more than a dream, it was a message. He isn't dead, I thought, he is near. My heart filled my chest with warm liquid fire and with wet cheeks, I lay in my bed gazing through my window at the stars. As I drifted off to sleep I heard myself say aloud "No, I will never give up. I promise."
When I awoke in the morning, I no longer felt the deep sadness and loneliness of the previous night. I think this was part of my parents' plan that allowed me to be unchained to the past and its sadness and allow me to experience happiness in the present moments.
But I kept some of my faery ways. For example Herman and Lily don't know I am helping them. ( I still have my magic inside) They are getting raises and making wonderful decisions in the stock market. I caught them dancing at midnight the other night, kissing , crooning. I am happy to be able to bring more light in their lives. They are kind not just to me. They are lovely to animals, everyone they meet, they have that gentle quiet approach. It makes me think of my birth Mother.
As I continued to grow both physically and intellectually, Lily and Herman
(I call them Mom and Dad when I'm not alone) and I began to talk about my future.
Lily and Herman want me to go to college, they say I need as much human power as I can get so when the time comes I will be believed. They, as my parents, knew that Education meant Power. The Ancient Ones had chosen well.
I was finishing High School. College loomed ahead. It was decided I should go to the best institution in order to be taken seriously. I was accepted at a well known University. It was a big campus, pretty in parts but ugly in others. Everything was very far apart, I wondered how I would find my way around. The door at a place called South Hall was so big the handle came to the tip of my nose. Sharp breath in, map in hand, I opened the door and walked into my new life.I loved the feel of this place though scary, I felt alive and excited.People were passing out pamphlets about animals and wars and injustices, it was teeming with ardent desire to grow.I loved it.